Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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