Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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