We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
