Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize