So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
