two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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