Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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