I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
