did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
