I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
