i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
