everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
