yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
