dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
