There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
