I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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