I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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