My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
