his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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