the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Sorry my hands just texted you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
