theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
