he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
