I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
