I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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