You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
