Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I supernannyed him into submission
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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