I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
