So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
