Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think my moral compass just broke
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
