i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
