i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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