You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
