oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
