I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think i got beer on your cat.
I forget how to act sober
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