I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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