Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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