I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
