it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
