he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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