I should be sponsored by Trojan
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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