having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
