i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
