I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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