someone threw a dead crab at me
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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