so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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