Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize