I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
