3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize