Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
