I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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