The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
