i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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