i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
