I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize