Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
