we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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