Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
