Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
