you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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