What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
