I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
