The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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