people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize