I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
